I really feel like I've been settling these past few months since I graduated. Settling for what is right now and not looking ahead so much like I usually do. This is good in a way but I think it's contributing to my feelings of no inspiration or motivation. I got stuck in wanting to chill on weekends, drink at night, go out with friends and watch stupid shows. This has never been my life. Since the time I moved out I've been working and going to school. This always kept me busy and in a way kept me to myself. Just tonight I turned down friends because I didn't feel like going out. I felt like being alone, like hanging out with myself.
It may seem stupid or lame but working on future and spending time alone is what I like to do. And I think in the four months since I graduated college I let all the other stuff, the outside world stuff, pull me in. I've even begun to make excuses, which I really hate to admit.
But maybe saying no tonight, telling my friends that I just don't feel like going out, even though I said I would, was a step. And tomorrow is a job interview and another step. I also studied for the GRE today and it felt so good. Maybe these four months away from school is really what I needed to remind me how much I love school, how much I love learning, how much I love studying and how much I love working on my future.
I like the other stuff too, I am human, but I like this more. This is what I want, to study, to write, to work on me, to talk to others and hang out occasionally, but to say no when I don't feel like doing something. To put my best efforts in, then to go home and be me. I don't want to settle for a typical life, with a typical college degree and full-time job. I want more now and probably always will.
I can go after it though, it's up to me to make it happen. It's the journey, not the destination and man oh man do I fucking love the journey. It really is incredible.
1 comment:
Wow, you have friends? That must be nice. On the other hand, if you don't have any, you don't have to make up excuses not to hang out with them.
Since I've had Ashton, I've tried to drink a few times, but it just didn't work for me. Which is definately a good thing. But it would be nice to have a drink & have fun with a good friend. Alcohol just kind of makes me tired now...it makes me feel like crap. It used to be fun, but I drank too much & did stupid shit that hurt a lot of people. I think my body/whatever did this as a defense mechanism...I don't know the meaning of moderation.
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