Being Real

I was talking to my brother tonight and he said something really cool. He said something about how I have managed to stay true to myself despite living a functional life in mainstream society. I honestly think I have been able to do this and feel happy/proud of the fact that I have been able to be true to myself while living a regular, functional life in society.

I have a forty hour a week job, that I go to every day, do my best at and work hard at, but when I go home I am still me, a girl that writes a zine and loves independent media. I work forty hours a week, pay my car insurance/rent and the like, yet I still maintain my core values of kindness, self-respect, and open-mindedness.

I'm not the same naive girl I was at 18, the girl that saw going on a road trip as her only future. I am a girl/woman that pays bills, files taxes, works full-time, yet I have managed to still be me and not compromise myself. I think this is the ultimate goal of life, to be yourself while still doing what you have to do to get by. Yes, I put on a collard shirt and go to work every day, but I also manage to still be myself and do what I love.

Once someone told me that they thought I was really real. This is one of the best compliments I have ever received. I love being real. I love being myself despite all the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis, despite how much I have to turn and face mainstream society on a daily basis.

Underneath it all, I'm still me. Yeah, I may not be running away on a road trip like I once dreamed, but I am still loving life, trying my best and staying true to the originality of who I am. I'm still watching coming of age stories, shopping at thrift stores and reading independent media and listening to powerful music. I'm still making collages and taking photos. I have my good days and my bad days and I try to remember to embrace both.

Oh yeah, I called the apartments today. They said we passed the credit check we're just waiting for our income verification forms! Whooo we are almost there!

Back and Forth Through My Mind

I bruised my finger last night while I was drunk. I slammed it in the car door on accident. Now I feel so incredibly stupid. The entire nail is blue and the pain is (still) throbbing. I couldn't sleep until like 3 am last night because of it. I didn't feel like getting up and going to the gym this morning because it was still hurting.I feel like such a moron that 1. I did it to myself and 2. I did it while intoxicated. I feel like a sloppy drunk which I'm really not.

I've been laying around all morning because of the pain :( Now I feel lazy because I just lied around all last night and today (until now 1:30 pm).

I do think maybe I am being too hard on myself. Yeah I made a stupid mistake, big deal. I also feel bad because now I'm not utilizing my days off in a more constructive manner. I have three days off now..am I asking too much of myself to be super busy and productive each one of them? Isn't there something to be said for a lazy day?

This is the constant back and forth battle of my head. The constant drama and anxiety I feel over my decisions/actions. Should I, Shouldn't I? Which is the best course of action? Is it okay? Am I doing the right thing?

Does feel good to write it/analyze it out. Kind of makes me see how silly I am being. How I should just be rather than fight myself all the time.

Here's a very interesting PostSecret I saw today:


Won't go into too much self-disclosure as this blog is public, but nevertheless it made me smile.

I'm still waiting to hear back on the apartment...this is also (of course) putting me on edge.

Ahhh the anxiety. At least getting it all out and admitting my neurosis helps some :)

All I Can Say is Wow

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=7971139


Watch the above clip. A girl is banned from playing basketball with boys because she is "too good." Fucking amazing that there is STILL so much sexism in our society.

Sunday Happenings

So we applied for the apartment. Wish me luck on getting it. My brother has good credit so hopefully he will be our doorway in. It's on a corner and has a "courtyard" view for no extra charge. It's weird living with my brother. In so many ways I don't want to, but in so many ways I do.

It's weird living with any sibling I guess because they share that one thing with you that you just can't explain to other people, the same parents. I loveeee living with another person though, because it cuts the costs down so much. Yeah, it can be very annoying at times, but overall I will take the annoyance of another person for the cheaper rent.

So yayy for roommates and for memorial day sales at thrift stores! Whoo! tomorrow is going to be a good day!

I Think a Change Would Do Me Good

I did my first full overnight last night. It actually wasn't that bad until around 6 am, that's when I started feeling extremely tired.

We are going to apply for a new apartment today. It seems pretty nice, pool, spa, racket ball court( which is awesome cuz' right now we pay six dollars a game to play) I am extremely nervous though. I have bad credit because of an apartment I broke the lease early on when I was 18. I've paid it all off and learned my lesson, so I really hope this doesn't follow me around to new-found adult life.

I was talking to this girl at work last night and she said something about how for a while she could tell something was up, that I wasn't really happy. I felt horrible that someone else was able to tell, (then again, I am in the business of monitoring people's behaviors) that I let all the shit going on come to work with me, or that people could tell I just wasn't happy there. I want to be a positive person. I like being happy at work, I don't like being a downer just cuz' I have to work full time like everyone else. She said not to worry about it, that everyone goes through it, gets stuck in a rut.

I've been feeling better the last couple of weeks so hopefully this will show too. I think this whole move is exactly what I needed. I need a fresh start, some perspective and an apartment where I can actually use the pool! Right now we don't have a key to the pool where we're living. My drive to work will now be 10-15 minutes instead of 25-40. I won't have to pay tolls, will spend less on gas and will be closer to the city where there's more going on.

I'm human, I got in a rut, I felt lost, trapped and depressed. It happens right? I'm working on stepping out though, changing what I need to change, readjusting things so my mental health is brighter. At least I'm trying right? I'm not giving in to the depression like I once did.

One Hand in My Pocket

So this is the song that describes me at this moment...

"One Hand In my Pocket" By Alanis Morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kindI'm short but I'm healthy, yeahI'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmedI'm lost but I'm hopeful, babyWhat it all comes down toIs that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaidI'm tired but I'm working, yeahI care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really goneI'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down toIs that everything is going to be quite alright'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down toIs that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wiseI'm hard but I'm friendly, babyI'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shitI'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yetI've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeahIs that everything is just fine fine fineI've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

I think I like it so much because it's all about contradictions. I feel my life is usually like this, like I'm always torn between two totally different ways, but I always come out okay...

Whooooo Hooo

I have a new work schedule! The exciting part is I now have 3 days off EVERY WEEK! I will work a double and stay over night every Saturday instead of coming in Tuesday! As you can tell I am SUPER excited. Two days off a week just isn't enough. People work hard. I work hard. I deserve more than two damn days and now I have that. I think this is great. Another day off to relax and study for the GRE! I am thinking about signing up in the fall to take some classes as a non-degree seeking student, then applying for admission for Spring of 08 for the Marriage Family Therapy degree. I hope this extra day (and over night that I have to read) helps me get more focused on my goals.

Hope Floats

I want to be an academic advisor or something, a tutor maybe. I think being in college and earning my degree made me feel like I could conquer the world. I mean there I was, a little girl who bearly passed high school, had my boyfriend do my senior project for me, and couldn't study anything for longer than five minutes, who was now making straight A's in college courses. It really did make me feel powerful.

Maybe that's why these past few weeks, months whatever I have been feeling a bit...deflated. Maybe some of my sense of power got lost after I earned my degree and no longer had tests to ace and a GPA that kept skyrocketing up. Doing well in college really did make me feel like I could do anything I wanted to. I need to get back to that feeling.

I want everyone to have this feeling when they're in school, the feeling that if they can get through these classes and these tests, they can do anything. The feeling that you are smarter than you think, the realization that if you work hard, you can accomplish your goals and get what you want. I want people to be hopeful about their futures, maybe this is why I like the idea of academic advising and maybe this is why I like the idea of counseling in general.

"I blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it's myself" this pretty much sums up entirely how I've been feeling lately.

She Taught Me

My older sister Stacy and I. When I was younger she was my my hero. I idolized her in every way. She never liked me though (probably because I constantly followed her around, stole her clothes/make up and was super annoying) and usually left me out. Her rejection stung, but in a way it taught me a very valuable life lesson. Heroes or idols or role models aren't really all you make them out to be. You can't depend on someone to be bigger than you, at the end of the day all you really have is yourself. It's up to you to make things happen. She taught me to put faith into myself and not worship others. She taught me to be my own hero.

Oh, Late Nights

So I worked until about 5:30 a.m. last night. It was supposed to be five o'clock but one of my co-workers took an extra long break (what are you gonna do?). So I got about six hours of overtime in. I am thinking of picking up another night till 5 next Friday. It's amazing how much a few hours of overtime beefs up the paycheck.

It's funny because on Tuesday I was trying to get someone to work for me on Saturday so I could have three days off instead of two. But by the weekend I was keeping my reguarly scheduled Saturday AND picking up an extra shift. It's funny how much life can change in a week. It still amazes me how much I can change my mind in one day, hour or even minute sometimes.

It can be both a good and bad thing I guess. On one hand I feel I am always open to new ideas which keeps me constantly evolving, but on the other hand it leaves litle consistency which can make for a bit of chaos.

Everything has a pro and a con. I don't know if there really is anything neutral that exists. The key to pretty much everything (ok, I'm sure you can find some exceptions) is balance. A balance between being too absoulte that you don't look at anything else and being too open that you look at everything so much that you never do anything.

This is How I Feel Right Now

So I've Been Thinking...

It's not really my job I am sick of. I love my job, most days. And I really love the people I work with, most days. What I AM sick of is routine, same thing five days a week, two day break and back to the rut. Any job I go to will eventually turn into this so instead of working on finding a new job I've decided to work on my outlook/attitude towards my current situation.

Also, I am back on track to working towards grad school. This is my main goal for right now and I think another job will just derail me even further from this. If I get a new job I will have to re-start some place, get trained all over again, spend time learning the job and going to extra trainings...basically a lot of crap for something I don't plan to be doing THAT much longer. I will be more content with my current job knowing I am working on future while there. I hate staying put.

I am a person that thrives on change. Hence why after 8 months at my current facility I am looking for something else. I need freshness and a change of pace. So I decided to look for an apartment closer to my job. I currently live 45 minutes away and this is part of the reason while the situation is weighing me down. Closer living would be less time driving to and from work, leaving me more time and of course...LESS GAS MONEY! Just the idea of moving into a new apartment in a different area is exciting to me. Change of scenery, change of pace, maybe I can even throw out some of my shit in the move. I am already getting excited just thinking about it.

So instead of changing jobs, I will change apartments. Oh yeah, I am already feeling better. Signed up to work until 5 am tonight! Wish me luck!

Because It's Nice to Be Proud of Yourself

Feedback on the latest issue, issue 6 of Pulse Zine:

It's awesome! Curves and love handles are the best. I saw the Vagina Monologues last year and it was awesome. I dig the story about cutting your hair short, because at the end you say you don't
care what anyone thinks about your hair but you. No matter what I do, I can initally like something, but start to think about what other people might say.

I got your zine the other day! -- I really enjoyed reading it it was really intense i mean you definitely have a way with words to get your message across with such power -- I really enjoy how you advocate certain issues and put things out there - it is refreshing to read about things that matter and that people are taking a stand on issues.

i got issue 6 a couple days ago and i just have to say that it was amazing! i really enjoyed this new installment and all i can say is keep up the good work. its nice to see how far youve come and to see how well youve been able to keep momentum.

i really enjoyed the newest pulse! i wanted to thank you for sharing your story and let you know that i think you're so brave and amazing! i can't wait to read future issues, keep up the amazing work!

thanks so much for issue #6 of Pulse! I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about how you feel about your body and how you accept yourself as you are! I hope more young women will follow in this path. My favourite quote from your zine was, "I love my ass.
"

Don't Settle

I really feel like I've been settling these past few months since I graduated. Settling for what is right now and not looking ahead so much like I usually do. This is good in a way but I think it's contributing to my feelings of no inspiration or motivation. I got stuck in wanting to chill on weekends, drink at night, go out with friends and watch stupid shows. This has never been my life. Since the time I moved out I've been working and going to school. This always kept me busy and in a way kept me to myself. Just tonight I turned down friends because I didn't feel like going out. I felt like being alone, like hanging out with myself.

It may seem stupid or lame but working on future and spending time alone is what I like to do. And I think in the four months since I graduated college I let all the other stuff, the outside world stuff, pull me in. I've even begun to make excuses, which I really hate to admit.

But maybe saying no tonight, telling my friends that I just don't feel like going out, even though I said I would, was a step. And tomorrow is a job interview and another step. I also studied for the GRE today and it felt so good. Maybe these four months away from school is really what I needed to remind me how much I love school, how much I love learning, how much I love studying and how much I love working on my future.

I like the other stuff too, I am human, but I like this more. This is what I want, to study, to write, to work on me, to talk to others and hang out occasionally, but to say no when I don't feel like doing something. To put my best efforts in, then to go home and be me. I don't want to settle for a typical life, with a typical college degree and full-time job. I want more now and probably always will.

I can go after it though, it's up to me to make it happen. It's the journey, not the destination and man oh man do I fucking love the journey. It really is incredible.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to cut myself open and drain out everything so I can start fresh. I want to drain out the nagging insecurities, the restlessness, the questions, the doubts, the worries and be blank. Maybe the way a child is. I tried to do this tonight. Not actually but metaphorically. I cleaned out some of my room, rearranged a few things and got rid of a lot of crap. I feel calmer now. I like looking at a corner of my house and seeing just the wall, not a pile of crap, not anything, just space. It sets me free in some small way. At least for the little while afterwards.

Other Half

I hate the term "other half" I think it's stupid and ridiculous. Why does a person have to be your other half? Why can't you be a whole person without someone else? "Other Half" indicates that you aren't whole without this certain person. It's ultimately just another way society defines us by our relationships and tells us that if you aren't in some type of romantic relationship you essentially aren't whole. So according to this term, what really defines you is not actually you, but the lack of or presence of another person.