It's so weird the dichotomy that exists between a paper and online journal. In so many ways an online blog is written with the consciousness that other people will be reading it, with that being there it can never be entirely real can it? A spiral notebook journal on the other hand is usually written with no intentions of anyone ever reading it except the writer which then allows it to be a place a person can be completely real and an avenue to channeling truth.

I wonder how many people who write an online blog like this also keep a paper journal?

On another note, I was going to order checks today but didn't want to have to reorder them in a month with my new address on it...

I also applied for a credit card today. It's weird how much part of me likes doing shit like that. Ordering checks, paying bills, applying for credit. It all makes me feel so grown up and independent. Maybe that's what it is. It makes me feel independent. Like I can be successful on my own. I can do what I need to do to survive. I can do it all myself. I can be strong and reliable without someone telling me what to do. Maybe that's what I like about paying bills every month, the freedom that comes with being independent. At least there's a silver lining to giving away half my income every month to bills...

I talked to this girl the other day who told me that her dad stills pays her car insurance every month. (She is 28). In a way that's awesome that she has such a supportive and caring father, but at the same time it sucks because she is not completely independent at 28, she's still getting help from her parents.

My parents never had a dime to give me. They lived paycheck to paycheck and still do. They gave my siblings and I whatever they could and their struggles taught me lessons. They taught me to get out there and do what I could to make it. I started babysitting at 12 and was earning 20 dollars every week until age 15 when I started babysitting for a family and earning 100 every week. I got my first real job as a server at 18 and never looked back. I've been working my ass off ever since. Working hard is just that-hard work, but the payoffs are amazing. Something to remember when I'm walking into work tomorrow...

Adaptation

I think one of the secrets to becoming successful is being able to adapt to change. If we are able to adapt to new situations quickly we will ultimately survive and learn to thrive sooner in our new surrounding than if we fought the change. Think about it: When faced with a challenge, the sooner we embrace it and modify our behavior accordingly, the sooner we can conquer the battle, or at least go at it our strongest.

Last week was my first Saturday working overnight (until 7:30 in the morning) the next day I felt wrecked, physically I felt extremely tired and I felt mentally week. I only slept four hours and felt nauseous all day. Last night was my second Saturday working overnight. Today I pushed myself to sleep longer, then wake up and go work out.

When I came home from working out my brother (who is also my roommate) was questioning me like didn't you work last night? And I said yeah, but I'm trying to adapt to my new situation. I don't want to be a slug all of Sunday just because I work Saturday night. So I'm adapting quickly, in order to make the most out of my new schedule.

On another note, I'm going to the see Sex and The City movie tonight! I'm a little bummed out I am not going with a girl friend or sister/mom like most of the women I know, but at the same time I do get to go with my best friend/boyfriend and be one of the few ladies that is going to see the movie with a guy.

Will try to post an analysis of the movie after I see it...I've read so much different stuff already on the debate whether the series does justice for feminism/women or whether it hinders our progress.

Oh and we got the apartment!! We're moving into our new place the 28th of June!! I am so freaking excited. This is exactly what I need!!

Being Real

I was talking to my brother tonight and he said something really cool. He said something about how I have managed to stay true to myself despite living a functional life in mainstream society. I honestly think I have been able to do this and feel happy/proud of the fact that I have been able to be true to myself while living a regular, functional life in society.

I have a forty hour a week job, that I go to every day, do my best at and work hard at, but when I go home I am still me, a girl that writes a zine and loves independent media. I work forty hours a week, pay my car insurance/rent and the like, yet I still maintain my core values of kindness, self-respect, and open-mindedness.

I'm not the same naive girl I was at 18, the girl that saw going on a road trip as her only future. I am a girl/woman that pays bills, files taxes, works full-time, yet I have managed to still be me and not compromise myself. I think this is the ultimate goal of life, to be yourself while still doing what you have to do to get by. Yes, I put on a collard shirt and go to work every day, but I also manage to still be myself and do what I love.

Once someone told me that they thought I was really real. This is one of the best compliments I have ever received. I love being real. I love being myself despite all the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis, despite how much I have to turn and face mainstream society on a daily basis.

Underneath it all, I'm still me. Yeah, I may not be running away on a road trip like I once dreamed, but I am still loving life, trying my best and staying true to the originality of who I am. I'm still watching coming of age stories, shopping at thrift stores and reading independent media and listening to powerful music. I'm still making collages and taking photos. I have my good days and my bad days and I try to remember to embrace both.

Oh yeah, I called the apartments today. They said we passed the credit check we're just waiting for our income verification forms! Whooo we are almost there!

Back and Forth Through My Mind

I bruised my finger last night while I was drunk. I slammed it in the car door on accident. Now I feel so incredibly stupid. The entire nail is blue and the pain is (still) throbbing. I couldn't sleep until like 3 am last night because of it. I didn't feel like getting up and going to the gym this morning because it was still hurting.I feel like such a moron that 1. I did it to myself and 2. I did it while intoxicated. I feel like a sloppy drunk which I'm really not.

I've been laying around all morning because of the pain :( Now I feel lazy because I just lied around all last night and today (until now 1:30 pm).

I do think maybe I am being too hard on myself. Yeah I made a stupid mistake, big deal. I also feel bad because now I'm not utilizing my days off in a more constructive manner. I have three days off now..am I asking too much of myself to be super busy and productive each one of them? Isn't there something to be said for a lazy day?

This is the constant back and forth battle of my head. The constant drama and anxiety I feel over my decisions/actions. Should I, Shouldn't I? Which is the best course of action? Is it okay? Am I doing the right thing?

Does feel good to write it/analyze it out. Kind of makes me see how silly I am being. How I should just be rather than fight myself all the time.

Here's a very interesting PostSecret I saw today:


Won't go into too much self-disclosure as this blog is public, but nevertheless it made me smile.

I'm still waiting to hear back on the apartment...this is also (of course) putting me on edge.

Ahhh the anxiety. At least getting it all out and admitting my neurosis helps some :)

All I Can Say is Wow

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=7971139


Watch the above clip. A girl is banned from playing basketball with boys because she is "too good." Fucking amazing that there is STILL so much sexism in our society.

Sunday Happenings

So we applied for the apartment. Wish me luck on getting it. My brother has good credit so hopefully he will be our doorway in. It's on a corner and has a "courtyard" view for no extra charge. It's weird living with my brother. In so many ways I don't want to, but in so many ways I do.

It's weird living with any sibling I guess because they share that one thing with you that you just can't explain to other people, the same parents. I loveeee living with another person though, because it cuts the costs down so much. Yeah, it can be very annoying at times, but overall I will take the annoyance of another person for the cheaper rent.

So yayy for roommates and for memorial day sales at thrift stores! Whoo! tomorrow is going to be a good day!

I Think a Change Would Do Me Good

I did my first full overnight last night. It actually wasn't that bad until around 6 am, that's when I started feeling extremely tired.

We are going to apply for a new apartment today. It seems pretty nice, pool, spa, racket ball court( which is awesome cuz' right now we pay six dollars a game to play) I am extremely nervous though. I have bad credit because of an apartment I broke the lease early on when I was 18. I've paid it all off and learned my lesson, so I really hope this doesn't follow me around to new-found adult life.

I was talking to this girl at work last night and she said something about how for a while she could tell something was up, that I wasn't really happy. I felt horrible that someone else was able to tell, (then again, I am in the business of monitoring people's behaviors) that I let all the shit going on come to work with me, or that people could tell I just wasn't happy there. I want to be a positive person. I like being happy at work, I don't like being a downer just cuz' I have to work full time like everyone else. She said not to worry about it, that everyone goes through it, gets stuck in a rut.

I've been feeling better the last couple of weeks so hopefully this will show too. I think this whole move is exactly what I needed. I need a fresh start, some perspective and an apartment where I can actually use the pool! Right now we don't have a key to the pool where we're living. My drive to work will now be 10-15 minutes instead of 25-40. I won't have to pay tolls, will spend less on gas and will be closer to the city where there's more going on.

I'm human, I got in a rut, I felt lost, trapped and depressed. It happens right? I'm working on stepping out though, changing what I need to change, readjusting things so my mental health is brighter. At least I'm trying right? I'm not giving in to the depression like I once did.