Being Real

I was talking to my brother tonight and he said something really cool. He said something about how I have managed to stay true to myself despite living a functional life in mainstream society. I honestly think I have been able to do this and feel happy/proud of the fact that I have been able to be true to myself while living a regular, functional life in society.

I have a forty hour a week job, that I go to every day, do my best at and work hard at, but when I go home I am still me, a girl that writes a zine and loves independent media. I work forty hours a week, pay my car insurance/rent and the like, yet I still maintain my core values of kindness, self-respect, and open-mindedness.

I'm not the same naive girl I was at 18, the girl that saw going on a road trip as her only future. I am a girl/woman that pays bills, files taxes, works full-time, yet I have managed to still be me and not compromise myself. I think this is the ultimate goal of life, to be yourself while still doing what you have to do to get by. Yes, I put on a collard shirt and go to work every day, but I also manage to still be myself and do what I love.

Once someone told me that they thought I was really real. This is one of the best compliments I have ever received. I love being real. I love being myself despite all the shit I have to deal with on a daily basis, despite how much I have to turn and face mainstream society on a daily basis.

Underneath it all, I'm still me. Yeah, I may not be running away on a road trip like I once dreamed, but I am still loving life, trying my best and staying true to the originality of who I am. I'm still watching coming of age stories, shopping at thrift stores and reading independent media and listening to powerful music. I'm still making collages and taking photos. I have my good days and my bad days and I try to remember to embrace both.

Oh yeah, I called the apartments today. They said we passed the credit check we're just waiting for our income verification forms! Whooo we are almost there!

Back and Forth Through My Mind

I bruised my finger last night while I was drunk. I slammed it in the car door on accident. Now I feel so incredibly stupid. The entire nail is blue and the pain is (still) throbbing. I couldn't sleep until like 3 am last night because of it. I didn't feel like getting up and going to the gym this morning because it was still hurting.I feel like such a moron that 1. I did it to myself and 2. I did it while intoxicated. I feel like a sloppy drunk which I'm really not.

I've been laying around all morning because of the pain :( Now I feel lazy because I just lied around all last night and today (until now 1:30 pm).

I do think maybe I am being too hard on myself. Yeah I made a stupid mistake, big deal. I also feel bad because now I'm not utilizing my days off in a more constructive manner. I have three days off now..am I asking too much of myself to be super busy and productive each one of them? Isn't there something to be said for a lazy day?

This is the constant back and forth battle of my head. The constant drama and anxiety I feel over my decisions/actions. Should I, Shouldn't I? Which is the best course of action? Is it okay? Am I doing the right thing?

Does feel good to write it/analyze it out. Kind of makes me see how silly I am being. How I should just be rather than fight myself all the time.

Here's a very interesting PostSecret I saw today:


Won't go into too much self-disclosure as this blog is public, but nevertheless it made me smile.

I'm still waiting to hear back on the apartment...this is also (of course) putting me on edge.

Ahhh the anxiety. At least getting it all out and admitting my neurosis helps some :)

All I Can Say is Wow

http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?cl=7971139


Watch the above clip. A girl is banned from playing basketball with boys because she is "too good." Fucking amazing that there is STILL so much sexism in our society.

Sunday Happenings

So we applied for the apartment. Wish me luck on getting it. My brother has good credit so hopefully he will be our doorway in. It's on a corner and has a "courtyard" view for no extra charge. It's weird living with my brother. In so many ways I don't want to, but in so many ways I do.

It's weird living with any sibling I guess because they share that one thing with you that you just can't explain to other people, the same parents. I loveeee living with another person though, because it cuts the costs down so much. Yeah, it can be very annoying at times, but overall I will take the annoyance of another person for the cheaper rent.

So yayy for roommates and for memorial day sales at thrift stores! Whoo! tomorrow is going to be a good day!

I Think a Change Would Do Me Good

I did my first full overnight last night. It actually wasn't that bad until around 6 am, that's when I started feeling extremely tired.

We are going to apply for a new apartment today. It seems pretty nice, pool, spa, racket ball court( which is awesome cuz' right now we pay six dollars a game to play) I am extremely nervous though. I have bad credit because of an apartment I broke the lease early on when I was 18. I've paid it all off and learned my lesson, so I really hope this doesn't follow me around to new-found adult life.

I was talking to this girl at work last night and she said something about how for a while she could tell something was up, that I wasn't really happy. I felt horrible that someone else was able to tell, (then again, I am in the business of monitoring people's behaviors) that I let all the shit going on come to work with me, or that people could tell I just wasn't happy there. I want to be a positive person. I like being happy at work, I don't like being a downer just cuz' I have to work full time like everyone else. She said not to worry about it, that everyone goes through it, gets stuck in a rut.

I've been feeling better the last couple of weeks so hopefully this will show too. I think this whole move is exactly what I needed. I need a fresh start, some perspective and an apartment where I can actually use the pool! Right now we don't have a key to the pool where we're living. My drive to work will now be 10-15 minutes instead of 25-40. I won't have to pay tolls, will spend less on gas and will be closer to the city where there's more going on.

I'm human, I got in a rut, I felt lost, trapped and depressed. It happens right? I'm working on stepping out though, changing what I need to change, readjusting things so my mental health is brighter. At least I'm trying right? I'm not giving in to the depression like I once did.

One Hand in My Pocket

So this is the song that describes me at this moment...

"One Hand In my Pocket" By Alanis Morissette

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kindI'm short but I'm healthy, yeahI'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmedI'm lost but I'm hopeful, babyWhat it all comes down toIs that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaidI'm tired but I'm working, yeahI care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really goneI'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down toIs that everything is going to be quite alright'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down toIs that I haven't got it all figured out just yet'Cause I've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wiseI'm hard but I'm friendly, babyI'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chicken shitI'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down toIs that no one's really got it figured out just yetI've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeahIs that everything is just fine fine fineI've got one hand in my pocketAnd the other one is hailing a taxi cab...

I think I like it so much because it's all about contradictions. I feel my life is usually like this, like I'm always torn between two totally different ways, but I always come out okay...

Whooooo Hooo

I have a new work schedule! The exciting part is I now have 3 days off EVERY WEEK! I will work a double and stay over night every Saturday instead of coming in Tuesday! As you can tell I am SUPER excited. Two days off a week just isn't enough. People work hard. I work hard. I deserve more than two damn days and now I have that. I think this is great. Another day off to relax and study for the GRE! I am thinking about signing up in the fall to take some classes as a non-degree seeking student, then applying for admission for Spring of 08 for the Marriage Family Therapy degree. I hope this extra day (and over night that I have to read) helps me get more focused on my goals.