Oh, Late Nights

So I worked until about 5:30 a.m. last night. It was supposed to be five o'clock but one of my co-workers took an extra long break (what are you gonna do?). So I got about six hours of overtime in. I am thinking of picking up another night till 5 next Friday. It's amazing how much a few hours of overtime beefs up the paycheck.

It's funny because on Tuesday I was trying to get someone to work for me on Saturday so I could have three days off instead of two. But by the weekend I was keeping my reguarly scheduled Saturday AND picking up an extra shift. It's funny how much life can change in a week. It still amazes me how much I can change my mind in one day, hour or even minute sometimes.

It can be both a good and bad thing I guess. On one hand I feel I am always open to new ideas which keeps me constantly evolving, but on the other hand it leaves litle consistency which can make for a bit of chaos.

Everything has a pro and a con. I don't know if there really is anything neutral that exists. The key to pretty much everything (ok, I'm sure you can find some exceptions) is balance. A balance between being too absoulte that you don't look at anything else and being too open that you look at everything so much that you never do anything.

This is How I Feel Right Now

So I've Been Thinking...

It's not really my job I am sick of. I love my job, most days. And I really love the people I work with, most days. What I AM sick of is routine, same thing five days a week, two day break and back to the rut. Any job I go to will eventually turn into this so instead of working on finding a new job I've decided to work on my outlook/attitude towards my current situation.

Also, I am back on track to working towards grad school. This is my main goal for right now and I think another job will just derail me even further from this. If I get a new job I will have to re-start some place, get trained all over again, spend time learning the job and going to extra trainings...basically a lot of crap for something I don't plan to be doing THAT much longer. I will be more content with my current job knowing I am working on future while there. I hate staying put.

I am a person that thrives on change. Hence why after 8 months at my current facility I am looking for something else. I need freshness and a change of pace. So I decided to look for an apartment closer to my job. I currently live 45 minutes away and this is part of the reason while the situation is weighing me down. Closer living would be less time driving to and from work, leaving me more time and of course...LESS GAS MONEY! Just the idea of moving into a new apartment in a different area is exciting to me. Change of scenery, change of pace, maybe I can even throw out some of my shit in the move. I am already getting excited just thinking about it.

So instead of changing jobs, I will change apartments. Oh yeah, I am already feeling better. Signed up to work until 5 am tonight! Wish me luck!

Because It's Nice to Be Proud of Yourself

Feedback on the latest issue, issue 6 of Pulse Zine:

It's awesome! Curves and love handles are the best. I saw the Vagina Monologues last year and it was awesome. I dig the story about cutting your hair short, because at the end you say you don't
care what anyone thinks about your hair but you. No matter what I do, I can initally like something, but start to think about what other people might say.

I got your zine the other day! -- I really enjoyed reading it it was really intense i mean you definitely have a way with words to get your message across with such power -- I really enjoy how you advocate certain issues and put things out there - it is refreshing to read about things that matter and that people are taking a stand on issues.

i got issue 6 a couple days ago and i just have to say that it was amazing! i really enjoyed this new installment and all i can say is keep up the good work. its nice to see how far youve come and to see how well youve been able to keep momentum.

i really enjoyed the newest pulse! i wanted to thank you for sharing your story and let you know that i think you're so brave and amazing! i can't wait to read future issues, keep up the amazing work!

thanks so much for issue #6 of Pulse! I really enjoyed reading your thoughts about how you feel about your body and how you accept yourself as you are! I hope more young women will follow in this path. My favourite quote from your zine was, "I love my ass.
"

Don't Settle

I really feel like I've been settling these past few months since I graduated. Settling for what is right now and not looking ahead so much like I usually do. This is good in a way but I think it's contributing to my feelings of no inspiration or motivation. I got stuck in wanting to chill on weekends, drink at night, go out with friends and watch stupid shows. This has never been my life. Since the time I moved out I've been working and going to school. This always kept me busy and in a way kept me to myself. Just tonight I turned down friends because I didn't feel like going out. I felt like being alone, like hanging out with myself.

It may seem stupid or lame but working on future and spending time alone is what I like to do. And I think in the four months since I graduated college I let all the other stuff, the outside world stuff, pull me in. I've even begun to make excuses, which I really hate to admit.

But maybe saying no tonight, telling my friends that I just don't feel like going out, even though I said I would, was a step. And tomorrow is a job interview and another step. I also studied for the GRE today and it felt so good. Maybe these four months away from school is really what I needed to remind me how much I love school, how much I love learning, how much I love studying and how much I love working on my future.

I like the other stuff too, I am human, but I like this more. This is what I want, to study, to write, to work on me, to talk to others and hang out occasionally, but to say no when I don't feel like doing something. To put my best efforts in, then to go home and be me. I don't want to settle for a typical life, with a typical college degree and full-time job. I want more now and probably always will.

I can go after it though, it's up to me to make it happen. It's the journey, not the destination and man oh man do I fucking love the journey. It really is incredible.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to cut myself open and drain out everything so I can start fresh. I want to drain out the nagging insecurities, the restlessness, the questions, the doubts, the worries and be blank. Maybe the way a child is. I tried to do this tonight. Not actually but metaphorically. I cleaned out some of my room, rearranged a few things and got rid of a lot of crap. I feel calmer now. I like looking at a corner of my house and seeing just the wall, not a pile of crap, not anything, just space. It sets me free in some small way. At least for the little while afterwards.

Other Half

I hate the term "other half" I think it's stupid and ridiculous. Why does a person have to be your other half? Why can't you be a whole person without someone else? "Other Half" indicates that you aren't whole without this certain person. It's ultimately just another way society defines us by our relationships and tells us that if you aren't in some type of romantic relationship you essentially aren't whole. So according to this term, what really defines you is not actually you, but the lack of or presence of another person.