Why is it every time a girl with a body wears something nice, somebody has to shut her down? Why do other people try to make me so ashamed of my body, because I have curves and my own personal style?
During my practicum at school today I was wearing a black skirt, that went down to a little above my knee, with black stockings, shoes with a heel, and a button up shirt.I saw three clients and things were going well. Until I got to supervision that afternoon and my supervisor (who is a doctoral student and not my actual teacher) mentioned the fact that my skirt was too short and that I might want to think about that in the future. I stood up and showed her that my skirt went to almost my knees and that I was wearing thick black stockings with my skirt. She proceeded to babble on about my skirt being too short, with one of my classmates sitting right there. My classmate and my supervisor felt the need to both console me with "But it is a cute outfit" as if that made some kind of difference in the fact I had just been humiliated over the length of my skirt.
I think this hurt so much because I feel my whole life I've been getting shit because I have a body. I have an ass, boobs, thighs, and all the other womanly assets. I am CURVY in a society that feels like people with a BODY should be hiding away some where. Then again, my supervisor is very curvy herself, which infuriates me even more that she called me out.
I try really fucking hard to dress classy and professional. Yes, I have my own jazzy style, but I try really hard to make it fit the role of therapist that I play during my practicum. I'm always looking for button up shirts and nice touches to add to my professional gear. I plan out my outfit every Monday night so Tuesday morning I know exactly what to wear that day. I don't appreciate getting shit for my outfit. I understand if I wasn't OBVIOUSLY trying to have fab professional gear, but it's so damn obvious I am trying to dress nice. I don't appreciate being called out like that, especially in front of one of my peers.
Waiting on the world to change I suppose..
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Lusting for that creative thing
I have so much I want to write about. SO much I want to say. So much I want to get out. So much I want to collage. I have a few wine bottles I want to decorate with magazine scraps. I haven't been as creative as I've wanted to lately. Last time I did anything was a couple weeks ago when I got this awesome book, the Collage Lab. I spent a few hours working on a project. It turned out shitty but it was inspiring, none the less. Lately I have been so busy with school. I feel like that's not an excuse but the truth is, I'm tired. I spend so much time and energy on counseling, which leaves me little time for much else. I love it though and I'm in love with this process, even if it means I have to give up some other stuff for a little while. I don't want to loose that creative side of me though and I don't want to loose interest in zines. I absolutely love zines and all they are. Zines have saved my life and taught me so much about who I am, and who other people are.
On a totally unrelated note it's so nice having an actual girl friend again. More on this later, as I have more school work to do :)
On a totally unrelated note it's so nice having an actual girl friend again. More on this later, as I have more school work to do :)
Friday, June 18, 2010
There'd Be Days like This
I hate feeling sick. Monday and Tuesday I felt sooo tired and had a stomach ache both days. Wednesday I felt better and did good. Thursday I had a massive allergy attack that took over my whole face and today i felt nauseous when I woke up. I had to cancel lunch with a friend because I felt so sick :(
I hate feeling sick because I don't feel like myself. I like being energetic, doing things, being productive and this week I haven't felt like that at all. I have two sixteen hour days looming upon me and I'm going to do my best to stay positive. So I had a shitty week? It happens right? Normally I would feel depressed about this but I know next week will better right? I read a quote once that said 'every twenty four hours offers new possibility" I'm trying to keep that in mind.
Watching Never Been Kissed. I've seen this movie a gazillion times but so what? Sometimes it feels good to watch something I've seen, something I can predict. It's weird because in this movie Josie is 25 and now I'm 24. I remember first watching this movie when I was around 17..Of course now I'm watching it with a glass of wine. I'm still the same person though in so many respects.
On a totally unrelated note I was talking to my brother about signs of success as a professional. One of mine is an office. I want an office with my name on it. Okay, it doesn't have to have my name on it, but I do want an office. Some place I can decorate and see clients in and well some place that is mine. A place I can have a desk and a sense of security..A place outside of my home that is mine. yeah an office to say, Here I am world, here is where I work..
My goals for the weekend are to be more positive and to yell less. Very hard to do when working with kids with behavioral problems...
Here's a pic of me from last summer at Bonaroo (which totally sucked ass)
I hate feeling sick because I don't feel like myself. I like being energetic, doing things, being productive and this week I haven't felt like that at all. I have two sixteen hour days looming upon me and I'm going to do my best to stay positive. So I had a shitty week? It happens right? Normally I would feel depressed about this but I know next week will better right? I read a quote once that said 'every twenty four hours offers new possibility" I'm trying to keep that in mind.
Watching Never Been Kissed. I've seen this movie a gazillion times but so what? Sometimes it feels good to watch something I've seen, something I can predict. It's weird because in this movie Josie is 25 and now I'm 24. I remember first watching this movie when I was around 17..Of course now I'm watching it with a glass of wine. I'm still the same person though in so many respects.
On a totally unrelated note I was talking to my brother about signs of success as a professional. One of mine is an office. I want an office with my name on it. Okay, it doesn't have to have my name on it, but I do want an office. Some place I can decorate and see clients in and well some place that is mine. A place I can have a desk and a sense of security..A place outside of my home that is mine. yeah an office to say, Here I am world, here is where I work..
My goals for the weekend are to be more positive and to yell less. Very hard to do when working with kids with behavioral problems...
Here's a pic of me from last summer at Bonaroo (which totally sucked ass)
Monday, June 14, 2010
In the Interest of..
So I am trying to blog more. I just got finished with a completely exhausting weekend, working Saturday and Sunday, 16 hour shifts both days. Oh and did I mention I work in a behavioral hospital with crazy little kids? The pressures are enormous though we never really do anything. Does that make sense? More on that later.
Because I'm feeling grateful and inspired here's an ode to all I am really loving lately, like heart and soul, passion burning through my body loving-beautiful, strong women-they keep me motivated and remind me that just being me is beautiful. Counseling. The process, learning to do it, being with people that intensely, I'm in love. Girl friends. I have very few and maybe only really one, but she's the first one in a LONG time and I'm grateful she's in my life. Seeing things from a more positive perspective, because positivity just feels so much lighter than negativity. Cheaper rent. Even if it means I have to live with my brother and his girlfriend. Sticking up for myself-so hard to do but I'm learning how to every day.
This isn't Ani Difranco singing this but I love this song and it makes me love life so why not.
Because I'm feeling grateful and inspired here's an ode to all I am really loving lately, like heart and soul, passion burning through my body loving-beautiful, strong women-they keep me motivated and remind me that just being me is beautiful. Counseling. The process, learning to do it, being with people that intensely, I'm in love. Girl friends. I have very few and maybe only really one, but she's the first one in a LONG time and I'm grateful she's in my life. Seeing things from a more positive perspective, because positivity just feels so much lighter than negativity. Cheaper rent. Even if it means I have to live with my brother and his girlfriend. Sticking up for myself-so hard to do but I'm learning how to every day.
This isn't Ani Difranco singing this but I love this song and it makes me love life so why not.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The opposite of backward
Wow, so I haven't posted anything in this blog in a realllllyyy long time. I have a hard time keeping up with blogs. I always want to write and share thoughts but then I always end up feeling it's not as authentic as a paper journal. I'm going to try again though. It's so weird how much has changed since I first started this blog..I look back at the pictures of me I posted on here and I look so little, so young.
I was watching a show tonight and some old friends saw each other after a while and one told the other how she looked exactly the same, that she hadn't changed a bit. I guess I don't want that to be me. I'm okay with the idea of changing, even changing myself. I accept that I won't always be the same person I once was. At first that idea was scary, but the more I think about it, the more this idea makes sense. Why would I want to be the same person my whole life? Wouldn't that mean that I am not evolving, not growing as a person? I agree that sometimes it seems like people sell out and change everything about who they once were, but on a different note maybe people just learn more and in turn, become different people. Is there really anything wrong with this? Or do we selfishly want people to stay the same so we can along with them?
I want to evolve, grow, learn, move forward. I'm not the same person I was when I was 18, 19, or even 23. I've learned a lot since then, been through a bunch more shit, and have been lucky to experience different thoughts, different perspectives. In turn I am a different person, older yes, hopefully more wiser to. I want to always be moving forward and to be fearless enough to always be okay with this.
Monday, December 28, 2009
2009 in Review
What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
*got a huge tattoo on my chest
*started graduate school
*sold zines in a local shop..actually made 5 dollars!
*started shooting archery
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
my only resolution was to be happier and healthier and i think i accomplished that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, a good friend from work.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no, thank god.
5. What countries did you visit?
none :(
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
a more positive outlook toward my job, more confidence in my abilities.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
ehh don't remember specific dates, more like specific times.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing three semesters of graduate school. selling my zines for money. realizing i am turning into a really happy person.
9. What was your biggest failure?
i broke a lot of shit. a couple of cell phones and a computer, accidentally. other than that, just all the moments of self-doubt.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
started having a re-flare up of some pain from a tumor in my jaw..docs say there is nothing they could do though..hanging by the moment on that one.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
cute clothes at the thrift store & bus/plane tickets to various places.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my boyfriend who had a great year and made much better choices.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
co-workers who overreact, my sister who constantly lets me down.
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, bills, and having fun.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
going to bonnarro this summer. getting my tattoo, starting grad school and realizing what i'm doing is my true passion.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
i started listening to more pop music this year so any of those poppy cheezy girl songs
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
believing in myself.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
drinking...well not really haha. bitching about work.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
already spent it. at my mom's house. got really drunk and overall had a great time.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
fall in love more with my boyfriend/soulmate each day.
22. How many one-night stands?
none.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
currently felicity.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
i don't hate anyone.
25. What was the best book you read?
the twilight saga haha.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
ehh i have a hard time finding new music i like..i got more into the yeah yeah yeah's and the dead weather came out.
27. What did you want and get?
to go to grad school.
28. What did you want and not get?
unequivocal self-confidence.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 23, i went shopping and out to dinner with my boyfriend. we made amends after a rough patch.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
nothing really..it was a pretty great y ear.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
evolving..more put together, yet more punky.
33. What kept you sane?
working out, journaling, self-reflection.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion debate, health care, economic issues.
36. Who did you miss?
the carefree feelings of the past
37. Who was the best new person you met?
i met a couple of people in my program at school i got to know really well. it's really nice to have people to talk to in class.
*got a huge tattoo on my chest
*started graduate school
*sold zines in a local shop..actually made 5 dollars!
*started shooting archery
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
my only resolution was to be happier and healthier and i think i accomplished that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, a good friend from work.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no, thank god.
5. What countries did you visit?
none :(
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
a more positive outlook toward my job, more confidence in my abilities.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
ehh don't remember specific dates, more like specific times.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
completing three semesters of graduate school. selling my zines for money. realizing i am turning into a really happy person.
9. What was your biggest failure?
i broke a lot of shit. a couple of cell phones and a computer, accidentally. other than that, just all the moments of self-doubt.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
started having a re-flare up of some pain from a tumor in my jaw..docs say there is nothing they could do though..hanging by the moment on that one.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
cute clothes at the thrift store & bus/plane tickets to various places.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my boyfriend who had a great year and made much better choices.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
co-workers who overreact, my sister who constantly lets me down.
14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, bills, and having fun.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
going to bonnarro this summer. getting my tattoo, starting grad school and realizing what i'm doing is my true passion.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
i started listening to more pop music this year so any of those poppy cheezy girl songs
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? poorer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
believing in myself.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
drinking...well not really haha. bitching about work.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
already spent it. at my mom's house. got really drunk and overall had a great time.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
fall in love more with my boyfriend/soulmate each day.
22. How many one-night stands?
none.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
currently felicity.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
i don't hate anyone.
25. What was the best book you read?
the twilight saga haha.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
ehh i have a hard time finding new music i like..i got more into the yeah yeah yeah's and the dead weather came out.
27. What did you want and get?
to go to grad school.
28. What did you want and not get?
unequivocal self-confidence.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 23, i went shopping and out to dinner with my boyfriend. we made amends after a rough patch.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
nothing really..it was a pretty great y ear.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
evolving..more put together, yet more punky.
33. What kept you sane?
working out, journaling, self-reflection.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
abortion debate, health care, economic issues.
36. Who did you miss?
the carefree feelings of the past
37. Who was the best new person you met?
i met a couple of people in my program at school i got to know really well. it's really nice to have people to talk to in class.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
It's so weird the dichotomy that exists between a paper and online journal. In so many ways an online blog is written with the consciousness that other people will be reading it, with that being there it can never be entirely real can it? A spiral notebook journal on the other hand is usually written with no intentions of anyone ever reading it except the writer which then allows it to be a place a person can be completely real and an avenue to channeling truth.
I wonder how many people who write an online blog like this also keep a paper journal?
On another note, I was going to order checks today but didn't want to have to reorder them in a month with my new address on it...
I also applied for a credit card today. It's weird how much part of me likes doing shit like that. Ordering checks, paying bills, applying for credit. It all makes me feel so grown up and independent. Maybe that's what it is. It makes me feel independent. Like I can be successful on my own. I can do what I need to do to survive. I can do it all myself. I can be strong and reliable without someone telling me what to do. Maybe that's what I like about paying bills every month, the freedom that comes with being independent. At least there's a silver lining to giving away half my income every month to bills...
I talked to this girl the other day who told me that her dad stills pays her car insurance every month. (She is 28). In a way that's awesome that she has such a supportive and caring father, but at the same time it sucks because she is not completely independent at 28, she's still getting help from her parents.
My parents never had a dime to give me. They lived paycheck to paycheck and still do. They gave my siblings and I whatever they could and their struggles taught me lessons. They taught me to get out there and do what I could to make it. I started babysitting at 12 and was earning 20 dollars every week until age 15 when I started babysitting for a family and earning 100 every week. I got my first real job as a server at 18 and never looked back. I've been working my ass off ever since. Working hard is just that-hard work, but the payoffs are amazing. Something to remember when I'm walking into work tomorrow...
I wonder how many people who write an online blog like this also keep a paper journal?
On another note, I was going to order checks today but didn't want to have to reorder them in a month with my new address on it...
I also applied for a credit card today. It's weird how much part of me likes doing shit like that. Ordering checks, paying bills, applying for credit. It all makes me feel so grown up and independent. Maybe that's what it is. It makes me feel independent. Like I can be successful on my own. I can do what I need to do to survive. I can do it all myself. I can be strong and reliable without someone telling me what to do. Maybe that's what I like about paying bills every month, the freedom that comes with being independent. At least there's a silver lining to giving away half my income every month to bills...
I talked to this girl the other day who told me that her dad stills pays her car insurance every month. (She is 28). In a way that's awesome that she has such a supportive and caring father, but at the same time it sucks because she is not completely independent at 28, she's still getting help from her parents.
My parents never had a dime to give me. They lived paycheck to paycheck and still do. They gave my siblings and I whatever they could and their struggles taught me lessons. They taught me to get out there and do what I could to make it. I started babysitting at 12 and was earning 20 dollars every week until age 15 when I started babysitting for a family and earning 100 every week. I got my first real job as a server at 18 and never looked back. I've been working my ass off ever since. Working hard is just that-hard work, but the payoffs are amazing. Something to remember when I'm walking into work tomorrow...
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